Wonkavision
by orange crush
Summary: Response to Inamorati Challenge #1. Wackiness ensues, Dahl style. What do giant gumdrops and Spike have to do with one another ? Where did that six-foot candy cane come from ? These and other questions answered within... S/B, naturally.


Author's note : On an impulse, this was written in response to Challenge #1 at Inamorati (geocities.com/inamorati_sb/ -not my site, but go, enjoy !!!). The challenge, paraphrased, is : drop the cast of BtVS into the world of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Some sort of S/B relationship, naturally, so Spike and Buffy must be included, any other characters are free choice. There's a tantrum, there's Oompa-Loompas… you get the idea. So buckle up, kiddies- it's a long, strange trip.

Thank you to Jewel (get well soon), because all my fanfic is her fault. Thank you to whoever came up with the idea for this challenge- I admire the unusual workings of your mind.

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"You said 'comfort movie'. I distinctly remember that being the phrase." Willow rolled her eyes at Xander, who was trying desperately to make the old VCR obey him. 

"Comfort movie is one thing. I hate watching movies with big explosions when I'm all… ick. But a movie we watched when we were six… is a little different." she told him. What did she have to do, write him a manual ? 

"You always liked it. You know, now that I think of it, when I had the flu, you brought over 'Muppets Take Manhattan'. This is kind of the same thing."

"Um… but, do you really think anyone else is going to want to watch it ?"  
She had a point. Xander had appointed himself party-planner, since Willow's rather nasty head cold had prevented her from picking up any videos. Anya was in the kitchen, arranging and re-arranging a veggie tray, and Tara would be back any minute from grabbing a few liters of pop. That left only two guests- Buffy and Spike. The thought of Spike actually coming to a Scooby movie night still made Xander hyperventilate ever so slightly. Still, props to the guy for sticking it out through the whole 'key' mess, and helping out with slaying, and trying not to cast _too_ many blatantly longing looks in the slayer's direction. But, Spike ? And then two pieces of information came together, rapidly and disturbingly, in his mind.

Spike was coming for movie night- and he'd rented "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory".

"I'm toast…" he said, under his breath.

"Evenin', all…" he drawled, when Tara pulled the door open. "You're looking' edible, pet." Spike grinned at her, and she let out a shy smile. She'd never forget him punching her… but, at the same time, she'd never forget what it had meant, either.

"Everyone's here." she said, by way of a warning, and he nodded at her gratefully. "Come on in."

"Spike !" Xander said, a little too eagerly. "Why don't you go in the kitchen ! Buffy's nuking some cheese, there's nachos on the counter… we're fresh out of blood, though."

"Pity." he smirked. "Mighty hospitable of you, Harris." Spike sauntered off to the kitchen, looking forward to catching the slayer in a domestic act. Xander sighed, and turned a guilty glance at Willow.

"That was close. Are you sure you can do this ?" She rolled her eyes.

"It's lame, but- yeah. As long as nobody interrupts."

"Ugh ! It says, three minutes on the box, and it's still cold." a chuckle came from the opposite end of the kitchen. "Speaking of cold…" she smiled softly to herself, "…who let you in ?" He rose an eyebrow at her challenge.

"I…" he pronounced, "…happen to be an invited guest."

"M-hm." Both of them knew that was the truth, but welcomed the chance to needle each other, in a kind of weird affection. "Only 'cause we need an even number for cards…"

"…And none of you can play for beans." he finished for her. She grinned out of the side of her mouth.

"Do you want any nachos, or what ?"

"There are certain things I want…" he said, and slid closer to her. For a moment she forgot where she was, and reality was wrapped up in one pale blue pair of eyes; but she shook it off.

"Not right now, Spike. Okay ?" he sighed, and slumped against the counter.

"Back and forth." he said miserably. "Back and forth, like a bleedin' pendulum."

"Leave it alone. For now. I'm sorry, but… I don't mean to…" Her voice shook a little, and Spike slapped himself internally. She's only been back a few months, you stupid git. Give her some time. He took the rather chilly bowl of cheese from her hands, and scooped up her small palms in his.

"I'm sorry." he said, and smiled back up at him.

"Yeah. Me too."

It was an odd game they were playing, for the past few weeks. There had been some things said, some things that slipped out, that had made the possibility of their love seem not so far-fetched. But with everything that had happened, neither one was willing to push the other. It was pleasant, each having a source of comfort in the other; and at the same time mind-bogglingly frustrating. To know what you want, and not have it. To not know what you want. So they just went, very much like a pendulum, back and forth. 

Buffy realized suddenly that some time had passed while they just looked at each other. It had happened a lot lately, whenever they were alone together. The other were probably guessing by now, she mused. Let 'em.

As if in response to her thoughts, Anya came out of the bathroom, waving to Spike when she noticed that he'd arrived, and stopping dead in her tracks when she caught sight of their intertwined hands. A slow, knowing smile spread across her face.

"Anya-" Spike began, not wishing Buffy to clash with her friends tonight, when they were supposed to be having fun; but she cut him off with her hand.

"No, no. I won't say anything." She made an elaborate pantomime of locking her mouth and flinging away an invisible key. It was cute, in an odd sort of way. "I'll just take the food out." she grabbed the tray quickly and scooted from the kitchen. Spike looked back at Buffy, who was seriously trying to restrain her giggling.

"Funny, pet ?" he said, and she burst out laughing.

"Let the colors be as another… let the sounds be as another…"

"I got the snacks !" Anya called out cheerily, and Willow looked up from her spell, horrified. This interruption would have been fine, if she'd stopped there. 

But, of course, she didn't.

"We can pop into the movie now !" she added, sweetly.

And with that, there was a loud, appropriately timed 'pop'; and impossibly bright colors washed over the six of them at the speed of light.

"Pop _IN_ the movie." Anya corrected herself. "Sorry." she looked around at the room. "Oh…"

"This is bad." Xander said, quietly. "This is very, very bad."

"Bloody- what in frickin'… ? What did you _DO_ ?" They collectively looked at Spike, who was shouting at the from where the kitchen wall should have been; except that instead of a wall, there was a gigantic gumdrop. It would've been funny. If it hadn't been utterly terrifying, that is. Buffy just stood beside him, blinking.

"There's a six-foot lollipop over there." she remarked. "So I second the question."

"Oh. My. God." Willow gaped. "We're in the movie." she and Tara glanced around the room, anxiously. "Spell's not supposed to do _this_." she added lamely.

"Spell ?" Buffy's head snapped around. "What spell ?"

"What movie ?!" Spike yelled, but they ignored him, because Anya had found the chocolate river.

"Wow." was all she could say. "Wow." and then she regained her composure, and turned to her boyfriend. "Xander, can I have that ?"

"Uh, hon ?"

"The chocolate. There's lots of it, and chocolate is very comforting to women. I think it's only fair." 

"It's better if we don't…"

"Don't what ? Tell anyone about our engagement ?" she fumed. "Oh, yes, don't think I don't remember that. How long did I have to wait, before I could be happy about marrying you ? You always put things off. Everything I ask you for, you put off. Like it's not important enough to do now ! Well," he voice raised to a crescendo, "I want it _now_ !" The intensity of her voice startled her own senses, and she put down the gargantuan lollipop she'd been waving for emphasis. She smiled at him, lovingly. "I mean, please." she added. He looked at her sideways for a minute, and smiled.

"You know what ? This is probably some kind of surreal dream." he waved his arms around, and kicked an oversized gummy bear. "Big-time dream wackiness. So fine. The chocolate river-" he pointed dramatically, "-is yours." She squealed, and flung herself at him for a hug, but it was ill-timed. His shoe twisted in the rather slick spun-sugar grass, and before Buffy could grab him, or anyone could even call out, he tipped head-first into the swirling brown depths. "Urp !" he flailed around, looking for anything to grab onto. Thinking quickly, Spike and Buffy uprooted a candy cane that dwarfed them both, and held it out to him. He grabbed the end- and slid off as the sugar melted under his touch.

"Da- darnit !" the slayer shouted, frustrated, and hurled herself into the river after him. Spike hesitated, for about as long as it takes a hummingbird to blink, and followed her.

But he dropped the coat first.

"Tastes real." Anya said, licking the chocolate-covered back of Xander's hand. Spike grinned, while the extremely cocoa-ey carpenter shifted uneasily.

"Anya. Hon. Later." he said firmly. "Please. Right now- how do we get out of this ?"

Without meaning to, they all looked at Willow.

"It's not like I meant for this to happen !" she said, wide-eyed. "We were, just…"

"Just what ?" sighed Buffy, still flipping dried chocolate out of her hair. The redhead frowned, and shot Xander a glance that said 'this is your fault, too'.

"We were trying to… uh… change the video."

"Run that by me again ?"

"I thought maybe I'd, uh… had a lapse in judgment. Picked the wrong movie." Xander offered. "So I asked Willow if she could just, you know… poof."

"You were doing a spell on a movie." Buffy said, slowly and carefully.

"Yeah."

"You were doing a _spell_… on a _movie_."

"Yeah… you already said that."

"Pretty bleedin' stupid, if you ask me." Spike leaned back against a gummy bear tree. Xander shot him an angry, but underlying guilty, glare.

"Nobody did !"

"It really wasn't a very good plan." Tara said thoughtfully, stroking Willow's hand. "But it's not like you meant all this."

"I'm really sorry…" she said helplessly. "It wasn't supposed to… if Anya hadn't-"

"What's done is done." Buffy cut in quietly. "Right now, we have to fix this. But when we get back-" she pointed at the co-conspirators, "there's gonna be a little talk on magic, and its non-uses."

"Right."

"Right."

"I'd like to see you try." Spike folded his arms across his chest. From her seat on the boat, Buffy stared daggers at him.

"Just get on." she said. "The only way we're gonna get out of this is if we finish the movie. So _get in the boat_."

"No."

"Yes."

"Make me, slayer. I'm not getting' in that poncey rattletrap."

"Spike…"

"For pity's sake, Buffy, it's got little tassels on it ! I'm surprised I haven't died from embarrassment, just bein' this close."

"Oh, yeah, me too." Buffy rolled her eyes; and then she reached up and hauled him bodily into the boat, throwing him into a seat. He grinned at her.

"If you insist." The boat jerked into motion, and the six of them watched nervously as it pulled away from the shore and into the tunnel, seemingly without any noticeable means of propulsion. "Creepy." Spike remarked, and pulled a cigarette from his pocket. The moment it hit air, it vanished. "Bleedin'- where'd my smokes go ?" Willow shook her head.

"This was a kid's movie, kind of. No smoking." He pouted, and mouthed 'kid's movie' in a mocking manner until Buffy smacked him in the arm. The boat increased in speed, until they were fully into the startling, surreal 'no way of knowing…' scene. Gruesome pictures appeared on the walls, screaming was heard, and the five friends covered their faces, reflexively.

Spike sat forward, and leaned his chin on one hand.

"Well." he sighed, watching the show, "Guess the movie had its good points, after all."

"Hey ! Hands off the jacket, mini-me !" The Oompa-Loompas, used to dealing with children, were doing a great deal of nervous scuttling around Spike. First of all, he was immensely pleased to find out they weren't human; less pleased when he found out Willow threatened to burst into tears if he harmed one hair on their diminutive heads. Not like he gave a rat's ass whether she cried, but secretly he did, so he shut up about slugging them and stuck to making coat-centered threats. 

It was a shame for Spike that he'd never actually watched the movie. It might have prepared him a little.

A voice, somewhere in the bushes, called out in a smooth baritone;

"_What do you get with a chip in your head _?"

Spike whipped around, snarling, but was answered in song.

"_Try as you might, you cannot make things dead_.."

"Come out, you little stupid, stinking-"

"_Falling in love with the one that you fight_…"

"_How do you even sleep at nigh_t ?"

"_Without any boxers_…" threw in a low voice from the smallest Oompa-Loompa, and Spike flew into a rage, stomping on the bushes. Willow cried out, and Buffy held him back.

"They're just doing… what they do.." she said.

Now, she had seen the movie, so it was her own fault.

"_What do you do with a vamp you can't stake _?"

"I- I don't-"

"_Always saying this time you'll give him a break_…"

"Hey !"  
"_Maybe you're not looking into your heart_…"

"_Teasing, elusive when love starts_…"

"_Without any boxers_…" added the same voice. Spike and Buffy looked at each other for a moment.

"On three." she said, and they lunged after the tiny, screaming orange men.

"Everything seems to be going… pretty much like the movie. There was the chocolate river…" Willow began ticking off events on her right hand.

"Yeah, wish I'd had a camcorder for that one, Harris."

"Shut up, Spike."

"…the little boat…"

"Speaking of which, you got a phobia we should know about, dead-head ?"

"It was rickety, an- uh, stow it."

"…so I find myself wondering, what's next ?"

"What do you think, Bu- uh oh." They glanced around, and realized that they were missing a petite slayer. Spike, furious at himself for having not paid more attention, started shouting her name, and wandering down the hall they had stopped in, pounding on doors. 

"What came next in the movie ?" Anya said brightly.

"Good thinking… we met the Oompa-Loompas, and went down the tiny hall, and…"

"Didn't she just say she was thirsty ?" Tara said, the answer dawning on her. Willow's eyes widened in horror.

"Oh, please no."

"Oh, my goodness…"

"Are you okay ?"

"Buffy, did you even pay attention to the movie at all ?"

"I was eight !" came a tiny, muffled cry. "And there weren't any ponies in it." The swish of fan blades made speaking rather difficult.

"Well, you know what to do, right ?"

"Kinda." she burped, and the sound rang out across the round room as she sank away from the ceiling a little. They all grimaced, except for Spike, who smirked.

"Stay up there, slayer." he remarked, chuckling. "I've got a great view of your-"

"GET ME DOWN !"

It said "Top Secret" in various languages across the door. This should have been a kind of warning. But, one can assume that "Top Secret" is a laughable threat to a group of people who battle the undead with sticks. What are they gonna do, arrest us with gummy-handcuffs ? Buffy found herself thinking. She shoved the door open, and stalked into the room. They took in the huge piece of machinery and canvas with wondering eyes.

"The experiment room…" breathed Willow. "I always wanted to go in here, more than any other part of the movie." 

"I know what happens in here." Xander said tersely. "And I'm not gonna be the blueberry." They all ooh-ed and ahh-ed at the various twisty knobs and blinking lights, while Spike stood to one side, itching for a smoke. His eyes fell on a small package of gum. Right nice of them, leavin' the merchandise out unguarded.

He wasn't going to shoplift again for a very, very long time.

"Is that a boot, sticking out of the machine ?"

"Ha. Looks like one of Spike's." Buffy giggled. "Hey, Spike, you lose your- oh, God." she collapsed on the floor, shaking, and Spike attempted to run, panicking, to her side, but was stopped by a sudden feeling of sick, helpless weight.

"Red ! No more spells !" he called out. "You've stuck my bloody feet to th' floor !" Willow and Tara just stared at him, and then convulsed in a sudden agony of laughter. Xander, who had been a little bit upset by Buffy's collapse, was now weeping helpless tears of joy into Anya's shoulder. Buffy was rolling back and forth, not even able to make a sound. The only one not laughing themselves sick was Anya, who was just looking him up and down.

"You're going to have to do a lot of sit-ups." she guessed. He looked down at his midsection, and realized something was wrong.

His stomach was blocking his view of the floor.

"Eh, bloody hell."

"_What do you do when you've proved you're a git _?"

"Sod off, you little wankers."

"_Rolling along 'cause you can't stand or sit_…"

"_You'll be hard-pressed into blueberry wine_…"

"_Hope we don't get it wrong this time_…"

"You'd better bloody well hope you don't !"

"_There's bugs in the process_…" added the voice, and Spike swore softly to himself; and tried not to let them bump his head against any stairs.

"He will be okay, won't he ?" Buffy said, in a very small voice, as the five of them watched Spike make possibly _the_ most undignified exit in the history of mankind. Willow nodded, and put an arm around her shoulders.

"In the movie, the girl was fine."

"But blue." Xander added helpfully, and she pinched him. "Oops."

"That's, like… that's just insane."

"Yeah…" Xander was practically drooling. "But imagine the reception they get for Monday Night Football. It'd be like actually being _there_."

They were staring at the gigantic television, clad in those itchy, unflattering white jumpsuits. Nobody had told them to put them on, but it just felt wrong to enter the TV room without, you know, going for accuracy. Buffy adjusted the goggles.

"So they, what, send something across the room in this scene ?" she threw the shoe from the experiment room onto the platform. "How about this ?" Xander shrugged.

"Good as anything. Here, Will, let me have the controls."

"Because you're what, a guy ? This is so typical. Fine."

"Will, I can figure it- uh, what's this button for ?"

"Let me." There was a flash of light, and a few 'pops', and a miniscule copy of the boot appeared in the receiver across the room.

"Good. Can we get going ?" Buffy said, wrenching the hood off. It was driving her crazy. She'd been increasingly antsy ever since Spike's blue, rotund body had been separated from the rest of the group. It wasn't like it hadn't been funny, but… being away from him, in this place… unsettled her. Not like she'd ever had admitted _that _to anyone. They all nodded, and filed out of the room. Anya lingered for a brief moment, glanced around the room, and stuffed the tiny boot into her pocket.

"It will make an inexpensive but meaningful anniversary gift." she said, to whoever might or might not be watching. "Also, it's cute."

"What if he's lost ?" Buffy tapped her fingers on the side of the elevator, anxiously. They gave a collective groan. She'd been like this for the last fifteen minutes. Willow had decided that to exit the movie, they needed to go up in the elevator, finishing the final scene. Everyone was kind of hoping that whatever alternate reality had prevented the elevator from killing its passengers in the movie would decide to extend itself to them as well.

"He'll be here." Tara said comfortingly. Buffy stopped tapping her nails, and started pacing.

"What if it didn't work ?"

"I'm sure he'll be here." Tara offered again, reminding herself that patience was a virtue.

"But what if he's lying somewhere, squished, and-"

"The sympathy's touchin', love… but unnecessary." He sauntered up from around a corner, looking trim and pale. Although, if anyone had looked closely, they might have noted the slight bluish tint of his fingertips. Buffy immediately looked away, and therefore missed him doing a quick swipe to clear traces of… something… from the corners of his mouth.

"Just didn't want you to get stuck here." she said, then faced him, grinning. "Those Oompa-Loompas wouldn't know what to do with you."

"Probably put me in the press again."

"Everyone ready ?" Willow had found the launch button. They eyed the small space warily.

"Uh, who sits on top of who ?" Xander said, a little uneasily. Spike's grin widened.

"Well, I suggest we-"

"I'm sure there's a way we can all fit _without _sitting." Buffy shot back. His swelling ego deflated, but only a little.

There was a way, of course, but it resulted in back-aches all around.

"Brace yourselves." Willow said.

The elevator hit the ceiling with a deafening smash, but when they looked around at each other, there were no body parts lying around, so that was a plus. Xander rolled off of the couch, and realized suddenly what he'd just done.

"I rolled off the couch !" he said gleefully. "The couch ! _My_ couch !" he grabbed Anya's hands, and the two of them began a euphoric survey of their apartment, which had never looked so good.

"Lovely." Spike, under the coffee table, coughed slightly. "Just lovely." Willow and Tara, who had wrapped their arms around each other in anticipation of the crash, just beamed from the Lay-Z-Boy. There was a sound from the hall closet, and the doorknob rattled. A pause followed, and then Buffy tumbled out, accompanied by an assortment of overcoats.

"Time for that talk." she said, through a face-full of earmuffs. They all assembled, sheepishly, around the coffee table, several of their feet hitting Spike in the process. He made a small, angry noise, but didn't make a move to get up. "Spike." Buffy said, and nudged him with a foot. "Meeting."

"Washn't my fault." he garbled, and there was a strange slurping sound.

"Are you eating under there ?" she asked, puzzled. He burped.

"No."

"Then come out."

"Give ush a minute." Another slurping sound.

"You _are_ eating ! What on earth do you have ?" she reached under the table and hauled him out, knocking it over in the process. He had time to stuff most of it in his pockets, but there were still scraps stuck to his face. She stared at him, brain not able to put the evidence together. "Paper ?" she said, finally. He shrugged.

"Tastes like pineapple." he said, as if that explained it. Willow drew a scrap out of his pocket, and sniffed it.

"It's the lickable wallpaper, from the beginning of the movie !" she exclaimed. "This is neat !"

"Still doesn't explain why you've got it." Buffy said pointedly.

"I got sidetracked."

"You mean, we were waiting by the elevator, worrying about you, thinking something _awful _had happened- and you were picking up snacks ?!" she looked at the pieces of paper stuck to his cheek. "Plus, Spike, wallpaper ? What possessed you ?"

"Dunno." 

"This one's orange !" Xander cut in happily. "Mm."

"We can incorporate this into sex, if you'd like. We can be different flavors. But, after seeing Spike like that… I'm not gonna be the blueberry."

"Anya !"

"So, pet…" Spike said in a lower voice, while the rest of the scoobies pilfered his stash of wallpaper, "…you were worried ?"

"Yeah."

"Nice to hear."

"Didn't want to have to roll you around on patrols."

"Would be interesting."

"Kind of 'hey, look out or I'll flatten you'… and, by the way, were you blue all over ?" This last sentence came out totally without the permission of her brain, and she flushed head to toe at the look he responded with.

"Care to find out ?" he purred, and a brief, delightful insanity washed over her, planting a thought in her mind. When it cleared, she was looking at him still, and the thought remained. She leaned close, and gave him her best seductive smile.

"Only if you bring the wallpaper." she said, and they both fell backwards, laughing. Spike pulled her out of sight from the others, into the kitchen, and they stood there, facing each other, for what Buffy was sure was the longest second of her life. Neither of them would ever be sure which one kissed the other first. 

But it didn't seem to matter. 


End file.
